


a light in the dark

by remusroses



Series: remusroses' ficmas 2020 [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Breakup, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Ficmas 2020, First War, Fix It Fic, Fix-It, Getting Back Together, Glitter, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27608093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remusroses/pseuds/remusroses
Summary: Remus breaks up with Sirius right before christmas. No one is happy with that, especially not Remus himself.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: remusroses' ficmas 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2018498
Kudos: 39





	a light in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> Ficmas Day 1 :)
> 
> Wrote this with @pixelated 's prompt "Sparkle" from tumblr! I hope you like it.

Remus didn’t think he would be going all out on Christmas cards any year, really, but especially not the Christmas after their graduation.

”I have no one to send them to, anyway“, he grumbled as she proposed the idea. And really, he didn’t want to sound ungrateful for her attempt to spend time with him, but the thought of glittery Christmas cards seemed bizarre to him. Actually bizarre.

Outside, far away but still too close, he could hear the distant rumbling. Sometimes, he had learned to drown it out, but not always, and not now.

”I’m… I‘m tired. I thought we would just drink some tea and read, or something. Nap“, he added quietly, giving the various sheets of paper and countless tubs of glitter on the kitchen table a wary look. Lily smiled, even though she looked a little tired too, in Remus‘ opinion.

”Come on, Re, please. Do it for me if not for you. We’ve not spend proper time in weeks, and I don’t even know where you are all the time because you and Sirius have just stopped coming here. There’s only a certain amount of napping one can do before they want to see you laugh.“

Remus bit his lip. Lily’s and James‘ apartment was decorated more than a little, with fairy lights in different colours of red and gold seemingly everywhere, candy canes stuck in jars and mistletoes above the door leading from the entrance to the kitchen. Remus tried not to look at that piece of green misery for too long.

Lily looked at him, eyes pleading and her lip pulled in slightly, waiting. He sighed. ”For you. Not for me. I guess… as Long as it’s just us-“

”I hope you have biscuits! I didn’t drag my butt here all the way for nothing!“

She gave him a guilty look. ”Hey Pete“, she then smiled, pulling out a round box and tossing it to him. ”Have all the biscuits you want.“

Peter seemed happy with that, and retreated to the sofa in the living room to make himself comfortable. Remus bit the inside of his cheek.

If Peter was here, then someone else wouldn’t wait long to arrive too, bringing someone that Remus was really trying to avoid. Hard.

”Lils, I think it’s better if I-”

The door fell close with a loud thump. ”I hate glitter, Prongs, and I told you I don’t want to.“

Remus froze. Of course he did. The voice went right through his heart, tickling down his spine. He ignored Lily’s look as Sirius entered the kitchen after James, stopping mid sentence when he saw Remus.

There was a moment of silence, and Remus didn’t look away. He couldn’t.

The moment they locked eyes, something flashed up in Sirius‘ eyes, a sudden, deep pain. His eyes were rendered red, and he had dark circles under them. Remus‘ immediate urge was to jump up and start crying, just pulling them close together and forgetting. Forgetting everything that happened and that he had told himself.

Forgetting everything he hadn’t said.

”So, anyway“, James said lightly, planting Sirius, who had gone quiet, in the chair opposite Remus, whose chest constricted. It seemed like a coincidence, but it wasn’t. Since they had started dating, Sirius had always joked about desperately wanting to look into Remus‘ eyes, and everyone had subconsciously started giving them opposite seats always.

Remus grabbed a sheet of paper, convinced to just get it over with as quickly as possible.

”Hi“, he pressed out, trying for a smile and failing. Lily and James looked at him, then let it go and grabbed their own things.

They knew he was depressed and that it was harder from time to time. Maybe they thought it was that.

Sirius‘ eyes bore into him the whole time. He felt it, like fire, burning into him. Every time he looked up, Sirius looked down and continued patting glitter on his card.

Remus had known it would be like this, that it would suck. He had known he couldn’t avoid being together with all of them for forever, but he hadn’t thought it would be so quickly either. At least two weeks, he’d thought.

Bullshit.

He drew one or two small candy canes, and grabbed the gold glitter without looking. His hand bumped against Sirius‘, and he dropped it. The lid fell off, and the glitter emptied itself over the table, the paper still stacked and everywhere else, too.

How cheery.

The silence was deafening, until James crossed his arms. ”Alright, what the hell is going on with you?“

His eyes flickered from Sirius, who was leaning back and just looking at Remus like it was only directed at him. It was, possibly.

Remus stood up, his card abandoned under a load of glitter sticking together, and for a moment he felt bad that James and Lily’s table was probably never going to get rid of all the sparkle.

”I think it’s best if I go“, he said quietly, chest constricting as he took a little step backwards. Peter frowned. ”Why?“

Sirius‘ eyes kept burning into him. ”Yeah, why, Moony?“, he whispered, and Remus felt like throwing up.

”Because. I’m tired.“

Sirius looked away, down at the table and the absolute mess Remus had made. All over a simple touch.

”What are you gonna do, _nap?“_

It was cruel, really.

”Oh, you know what, fuck you, Sirius. Fuck you“, he said and took one more step back. He hated that his eyes were filling with tears, and he hated that his voice broke. Lily jumped up.

”Guys!“

”Im not wrong, am I?“, Sirius continued, having stood up too, now, and even though he didn’t point his finger at him, it felt like he did.

Remus breathed out. ”That’s not fair and you know it“, he gritted out, and Sirius balled his hands to fists.

”Come on Remus, when has anything ever been fair?!“

James kept staring back and forth, finally having enough and slamming a hand on the table. ”What the fuck is going on??“

Remus tried to breathe normally, pressing his nails into his palms and feeling his heartbeat in his ears.

”We broke up.“

James looked like he’d punched him in the face. Lily froze. Peters mouth was hanging open and Sirius just looked angry. The kind of angry that only came from deep hurt.

”No, Remus broke up. I had no fucking say in it.“ He let out a breath. ”You know, actually, it might be best if I leave myself.“

James grabbed his arm. ”No, what the fuck? Since when?“, he asked, staring at Remus with a kind of desperation in his eyes that Remus really didn’t have the energy for.

”You can’t just break up. It‘s not… we were all supposed to…“

”I‘m sorry to break it to you, Prongs, but life doesn’t work like that. _This_ doesn’t work like that“, Remus said, crossing his arms. ”You have a wife, and a life, and so do we. We‘re not fifteen year olds making glittery Christmas cards like the world outside this apartment isn’t fucking _falling apart_. It’s stupid and pretentious, and I really- I really have to go.“

It was freezing outside. It wasn’t snowing, there was nothing romantic about it. It was dirty, muddy, and ice cold. It rumbled. Remus really should have bought a new coat, but with what money? He didn’t even have a job.

He didn’t go very far, because his leg was hurting and stiff from the cold and he had nowhere to go, really. So he sat down, on a broad window sill of a building with no windows anymore, holes boring through the façade. One of these.

”Do you have cigarettes?“, he asked, feet dangling. Sirius pulled off the cloak and turned around to look onto the street, shoulders straight.

”I was just following you to make sure you-“, he started, brows furrowing, before he stopped himself. Remus loved him so much, and hated himself more than anything.

”Moony, what are you doing?“, he asked quietly, so softly, finally turning around to look at him, and the anger was gone, only replaced by worry.

Remus looked away. ”I‘m protecting you. It‘s for the best, Pads, I told you that already. You just didn’t listen.“

Sirius shook his head. ”For the best. For the best for who? You aren’t listening, you idiot. You can’t push us all away, and you can’t do it to me.“

Remus clenched his jaw. ”Yes, I can. You were about to make a mistake, and I stopped you.“ Sirius stepped closer, eyes burning again. ”I wanted to marry you, Re. How can you call that a mistake?“ The last words were whispered, and Remus pressed his lips together, silent.

Sirius let out a breath, closing his eyes for a moment before pulling out a pack of cigarettes, tossing it to him. Remus took one.

”Do you not love me?“, Sirius asked, and Remus threw the pack at him. He caught it. ”Fuck off, Sirius. You know I do.“ Which was, if possible, the worst answer, because Sirius actually scoffed. ”Then what’s so fucking wrong about it? You can’t keep running away trying to avoid your feelings. What did you think would happen, that you would lock yourself in that little room you rented and expect me to just forget about you? You knew we were bound to meet at some point, and if you didn’t you‘re dafter than I thought.“

”It‘s not about that“, he said quietly, his fingers around the cigarette shaking. It wasn’t even lit yet.

”Then what is it about, huh? Fucking talk to me, Remus!“, Sirius pressed out, his voice rising in volume and just sounding so desperate that the little vein on his forehead started showing. Remus knew that vein, he knew every part of the man standing in front of him. It only made it so much worse.

”It‘s because you‘re going to stop trusting me and I can’t be there, married to you, with you, with Lily and with James and Pete, I can’t fucking be there when you do!“ His voice broke as he climbed off the sill, legs shaky.

”I can’t, Sirius, see you starting to think I‘m not me anymore. Before I look into your eyes and its not like this anymore, and you won’t look at me the way you’ve always looked at me, then I‘d rather _kill myself_ “, he pressed out, taking a step back. Then another one. Sirius didn’t answer first. Then he did.

”No“, he said, into the deafening silence, because Remus couldn’t hear a sound anymore, and it was so cold that the one word, so quickly spoken, formed a small cloud in front of Sirius‘ lips. The word was gone, and the breath it was spoken in lingered one second longer. Remus‘ eyes filled with cold tears. Everything was cold these days.

”What, no?“, Remus asked.

”You‘re selfish“, Sirius simply said.

”We‘ve been together for years, Remus, years. Theres so many things I don’t know, and so many people and days and things I‘m never sure about, but you’ve never been one of them. I don’t want to be without you, and just because you are scared of the future doesn’t mean you can just end us like closing a chapter. I thought we had a _life.“_

_So, are you going to kiss me here?_

_Yes._

_And here?_

_Of course. With great pleasure._

_And you’ll never leave me?_

_Never._

What was life, if Remus kept getting pressured into doing things for the greater good that made him feel absolutely worthless? What was it, if he could never talk about it even if he wanted to?

What was life without Sirius?

”I am afraid“, he said, firmly, clasping his hands together. ”I‘ve never been so scared. My missions, they-“

He stopped, looking away. Sirius let out a breath. ”He‘s not letting you tell us, isn’t he.“ Remus thought about how everyone always undermined Sirius‘ intelligence. And how stupid they were for it.

He didn’t say anything, and it was answer enough. ”Do you really want to do it, Remus, without us?“, Sirius said, standing in front of him now and looking into his eyes. ”Without me?“

It wasn’t begging him to come back to him. It was asking him what he really wanted, inside, without all the other things to think about. Which was hard.

”Moony, in here, alright“, Sirius almost smiled as he put his hand over Remus‘ chest. Remus let him.

”Not in here“, he added, even more quiet, resting his hand against the back of Remus‘ head.

Remus closed his eyes, almost instinctively leaning into the touch. ”I‘m scared, Pads. I‘m scared you’ll start to hate me if I stay“, he choked, a tear slipping over his cheek and burning hotly on his icy skin. Sirius pulled him closer with his whole body, and Remus pushed his nose into the familiar hair, smelling of something like ash these days, as most things did.

”I will never hate you, baby. I promise. Please, just come home, Moony. Let me have you as long as I can“, Sirius whispered, and he kept talking, as Remus felt his tears tickling against his own neck. He whispered the most beautiful things to him like he was the most precious thing in the world.

Remus clawed his fingers into Sirius‘ coat, swallowing. ”I don’t want to do it without you, Pads. I don’t.“

So, he didn’t.

On the next day, they went back to James and Lily and Remus apologised, but everyone was crying and hugging and all the words they wanted to say were drowned in the ones they showed.

Remus realised they hadn’t talked in a long time. He also realised that that was the core of all trust lost and fear born, not saying what he really thought. He held Sirius‘ hand so firmly that it looked like it would bruise.

It was Remus‘ idea to continue with the christmas cards. They made a special one for Peter, since he couldn’t be there, and Remus actually smiled a little when James made Lily dance to Jingle Bells with him.

It wasn’t like they were forgetting. It wasn’t like Remus wasn’t scared anymore, or worried about the future. But he also had to remember that he had the right to try to feel happiness, and be loved.

He thought Sirius might want to show him exactly that, when they came home.

They had not kissed the day before, not in roughly two weeks. Remus felt guilt, still, and he didn’t know what Sirius was feeling.

It became clear when he shoved Remus onto the bed lightly, still knocking some air out of him, and crawled over him. Remus had always loved looking at Sirius from this perspective. His hair would fall down, pulled by gravity, and, depending on their distance, tickle Remus‘ nose or cheeks. His eyes would look so bright in between the shadows, his smile almost angelic. Sirius blinked slowly.

”Will you forgive me one day?“, Remus whispered, breath coming out a little shakily from Sirius‘ warmth surrounding him. Sirius bent down, his breath coasting over Remus‘ cheek. ”Remus, I…“

He let himself fall down into Remus‘ side and looked at him, a sad smile on his lips. ”I constantly feel like I am running out of time, Re. I had forgiven you before you walked out of that door in the first place. And if… and when we make it out of this mess alive, then we will have all the time in the world to work through it. Again and again, if we must.“

Remus‘ heart stumbled. There was the possibility their time was running out, quickly. It was more of a probability than a possibility, if they were being honest.

As he crawled over Sirius this time, he ignored that. He bent down slowly, letting their noses brush and watching Sirius‘ eyelids flutter close as he finally kissed him. Slowly pushing their lips together, deeper and deeper until Sirius‘ let out a little groan, and he sighed.

Wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling their chests together, along with the rest of their bodies. Feeling every little curve, sharp bones and soft muscle tensing up under his touch.

He took the time he didn’t know he had, taking every precious second to show Sirius that he loved him more than anything, Sirius, his wonderful, incredibly Sirius who was more than happy to return every little favour along the way.

-

On Christmas Eve, they waited. It was the four of them, waiting for Peter to turn up. He didn’t.

There was an attack, they were called to fight. When they arrived, the scene was empty but from the injured (gladly, no one had been deadly injured), and from a few remains of a fight.

Remus bent down on the cold stone as the others talked to witnesses and victims, kneeling. He felt it before he saw it. Between the cracks of the asphalt, it sparkled.

Their glitter bomb, hidden as a joke in Peters christmas card they had sent him. His fingers traced over it, the golden glitter sticking to it.

”Oh, Pete“, he whispered.

-

1 year later.

”Merry Christmas, Harry!!“, Sirius cooed, taking the bubbly baby from Lilys arms and turning in circles, pulling loud giggles from him.

”Merry Christmas to you too, Sirius“, Lily rolled her eyes, pulling Remus into a hug instead.

One year. Horcruxes, Voldemort, Harry, and all things in between. A wedding. The ability to breathe. A year.

At home, they had both cried. Happy, because they couldn’t believe it was actually over sometimes, even after a year. Sad, because someone was missing. Someone that hadn’t been that someone, their family, anymore, even when they thought he had.

It rumbled in the distance. They stepped to the windows.

Only this time, it wasn’t explosions, and hexes, spells, injury and death. It was fireworks.

It exploded in the sky, sending gold glitter raining down. Harry clapped with his chubby hands, and Sirius kissed the top of Remus‘ head.

The sky sparkled.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and see you soon! Follow my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/remusroses) for more!


End file.
